My Mortal
by Elliot Pole
Summary: You know the story "My Immortal"? Well, here is a story like it. No, it's not like it at all. However, it uses characters from "My Immortal," including Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. And Remus is called "Loopin."
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: **_My Immortal _is so bad, there isn't a word for it. Yet it has 10,000 reviews. So, here comes a satire of a bad fanfic. This is not a fanfic of a fanfic, but a satire. I will not edit anything; I will type whatever comes to mind, and I will sometimes put author's notes in the story when they're not supposed to be there. This will be deleted in a few days.

**My Mortal**

**Chapter One**

Candrew Vallegront V blew out his candle. He was sitting in the Gryffindor common room, and tonite he planned to burn the whole school down. Unfortuantely, he needed the coopereation of Professor McGonagell and that he wasn't going to get unless he raped a cat.

Now, I do not recommend raping cats unless your name is Candrew Vaellegont V. He has every reason to rape cats, the most important being that he finds them attractive.

Oh, I'm chewing my knuckles writing this horrible fic. What the hell AM I doing? Golilee…oh well.

Candrew had a crush on Hermione, and he new that her cat would be perfect for the job. So he pulled the run out from under the sleeping beast with the bottlebrush tail and sent it shrieking int o the fireplace. Candrew used the "Aguamenti" spell to put out the fire, and takng Crookspanks in his hand, ran his fingers along the cat's belly, before freaking out and---

You don't want me to finish that sentence. You'd rather lick Bela Swan's ass. Actually, I would love to lick her ass, but…

You are wondering who I am, the narrator. I am Viejluk, and I am in Hufflepuff house. BUT I sneaked into Gryffindor to watch Candrew on that night. And now I am contradicting myself.

This fic is not about me, but about a beautiful girl named Millicent Bulstrode. She was so beautifool that her mother kissed her on the lips every year before sending her off to Hogwarts. You see what I am doing? It's called stream-of-consciousness, and I don't care how grossed out you, the reader, become.

Now, Harry came down while Candrew was foddling the catr, and Harry used a spell on Candrew that made him draw a card from his belt. This card is known asw The Blue Eye White Dragon, and it is a signature move of Seto Godfrikkin' Kaiba.

Now, Harry was really a Vampire, but he pretended to be a wizard. And he caught me hiding under a Gryffindor table.

"Come out, you puny third-year!" he shouted a tme. "I want to suck your blood!"

I came out. I couldn't control myself. He sucked my blood, and I was sick to my stomach, because I am a boy and only wantr FEMALE vampires to suck my blood, lick that cutie Ebony, or as she's sometimes called, Enoby.

I love Enoby. I don't care that she's the hottest girl in school. I don't care that Snape and Loopin want her. _I _want her to suck me dry.

And now this story is beginning to sound like a fanfic of a fanfic. Excuse me, but in the next chapter, Enoby dies. Sad, but true.

But we were still in the chapter where Hairy sucked my blood. He was repulsed. He wanted Enoby's blood too; I could tell.

Then Hagrid came storing thru the portrait hole, screaming, 'I AM A SATANIST! I REAP PIGS! " And I got constipation.

Now, to Candrew. He sneaked back into his dormitory while all this was going on, to devise a way to steal into the girl's dormitories, where Ginny Weasely had asked him to use her. "Use" was her word, not mine. And so, he tried. But after hrs and hrs of thinking, he came up nothing. Zip. Nada. He couldn't break thru. By then, Harry was calming a crying Hagrid. Harry couldn't suck Hagryd's blood, for the later was quarter-giant.

And so ends the first chapt3er of another goffik tale.


	2. Chapter 2

**My Mortal**

**Chapter Two**

"I want to love you, Hermione, but I cant," harry said. Her was harrier than usual today.

"I want to love Pixie Sticks, but I can't. However, hyou _could _have me, if you really wanted."

"I want Ennoby."

Hermione stared at him. "Everyone wants Enoby. I wish the Volturi would just come and kill her."

"Oh, Hermy, you don't mean that."

"I'm _Hermy _now, aren't I? Well, you can kiss our friendship goodbye!"

"But…I need hyou to help me study for the Herbology N.E.W.T! Hermione, come backT!"

She didn't hear him. She had settled herself into the library. Turning to the next row of books, she saw…Enoby.

Girls were the only ones unaffected by Enoby's charms. Even the lesbians couldn't find her attractive. However, today…today no guys were standing around her. Ernie Macmillian looked at her as if she were a cockroach. This induced Hermione to comfort the gal. But when she got close…she fell under Enoby's spell.

Hermione wanted to kiss her, and kiss her hard, on the li[ps. Oh, how sweet it woujld be! And Hermione was NOT a lesbian.

She came closer. And closer. She was now two inches from Enoby. And Enoby lunged for her neck!

Hermione's wand came out, and it poked Enoby in the eye. "Enoby,k I'm so sorry!"

"I'm going to die. I'm going to DIE!"

"You're not going to die! This is Hogwarts. There's a nurse that cam emake you all better…"

"I'm going to die, and it's all your fault! I'll make you a mortal vampire for this, Hermione!" Enoby lunged for her throat. Hermione felt Enoby's lovely fangs sick into her neck. She swooned in pleasure. Her blood was going into Enoby's. But Enoby fell to the floor. Hermione looked down. She ran screaming from the library to the hospital wing. "Enoby's done taken a faint!" she shouted. Madam Pomfrey came running at once.

But there was nothing they could do. Enoby was gone 4ever.

Two days later, the whole school attended Enoby's funeral. On her epitaph it said, _"A girl who loved Draco and Hermione, and brought them together. Snape and Loopin took pictures of her nude body."_

For Draco and Hermione were now boyfriend and girlfriend, deciding that since the girl they loved was gone, they might as well date each other. But a week after this, Hermione felt pains in her teeth, and she had to spend a fortnight in the hospital wing, after which she was a full-fledged mortal vampire.

For some odd reason, Enoby had never turned Draco into a vampire. But Hermione wanted to do it. But she had no idea how, so she went to ask Harry.

However, that day, Harry's scar turned into a mini volcano, and with lava coming down his face, he had to spend all his free time in the hospital wing. He was still forced to attend classes, though.

And then comes the bells of Notre Dame. But let's back track a little, to discuss how Candrew and Ginny met.


	3. Chapters Gain Titles

**My Mortal**

**Chapters Gain Titles**

This is not a chapter, but something to inform you that from this point on, "My Mortal" will have titles. Titles are important to a work of art. Supposedly, there is a Michael Crichton book coming out later this year called _Untitled. _That is not very creative. People love creativity, believe me, I know.

**DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS POINT, IN THIS NON-CHAPTER.**

Now, _Twilight _is brainwashing girls everywhere, and their mothers. It is my duty to comfort you by telling you that Buzz Lightyear is coming to save the day! That's right; the one, true Buzz Lightyear will be here in a few days to defeat the evil Emperor Zurg (nicknamed Edward Cullen), the sworn enemy of the Galatic Alliance and Buzz' father.

That said, here's a few words from Woody:

"_There's a snake in my boot!"_

"_Someone's poisoned the waterhole!"_

"_You are a child's PLAYTHING!"_

"_I can't believe I have to drive all the way to work, on a SATURDAY!"_

Oops. Our sponsor tells us that the last line was actually made by Al from Al's Toy Barn, who kidnapped Woody. Please except our apologies.

NEWS FLASH: It is come to our attention that Pikachu was stolen by Team Rocket today. _Why _they would want Ash's Pokemon, I don't know. Surely there are other people to steal from?

Jackie Chan reports that all but three talismans were stolen. The three that weren't taken were the Rat Talisman, the Dog, and the Rooster. It's up to you to guess why.

In case you haven't heard, Disney is no longer a friend of Narnia. If you've read the Narnia books, you will catch the allusion. Disney and Narnia have captured the imaginations of children for decades. Now, they have gone their separate ways. But don't worry. You'll still get you're the_ Voyage of the _Dawn Treader. December 2010, we expect. The actors will be growing old, but don't worry! Lucy and Edmund won't be returning after that one till _The Last Battle, _when Lucy is about twenty-one. Eustace will be seen again. And my favorite female character is coming in _The Silver Chair._

Last piece of news: Lyndsay Lohan is a definite lesbian! But her girlfiend is ugly. (Typo intentional.)

Now we return to our regular programming.


	4. The Sea of Ginny's Hair

**My Mortal**

**Chapter de Tres: The Sea of Ginny's Hair**

A week before Candrew's attempted rape of Crookshanks, Ginny Weasley broke up with her boyfried, Jimmy Peakes.

She had sat alone at the Gyffindor talbe, crying. Going without a boyfriend for more than a minute pained her. And then Candrew came up and…

Btu we must backtrack. On Ginny's fourteen birthday, something happened that caused her to become dependent on having boyfriends. Little Horspuds began growing in her hair.

Before I explain what a Horspud is, I must tell you that Ginny is a descendant of Eric the Red. I know we are _told _that she's a pureblood, but if Eric the Red wasn't a wizard, then Ginny isn't really a pureblood. But anyhoo…

Eric the Red's son, Lief Ericson, supposedly killed him. But a man who looked like Eric pretended to be him, and that is who Lief murdered. So Eric went traveling the world, and wound up in Finland. There he made a pact with a witch, that would cause all of his female descendants to have Horspuds in their hair from the time they were fourteen to their death. As long as one of these women had no boyfriend, these Horspuds would go crazy in their hair, until they found one. It would irritate them immensely.

Now you are wondering why Eric did this. Lief only had a daughter, called Brimmol. He never had a son. So Brimmol had to find a mate immediately, and she got with a brawny fellow called Naro. This made Lief angry, for he already had a guy in mind to marry Brimmol off to, and Naro was the son of an enemy. But Brimmol and Naro eloped.

So all the female descendants itched to have a man in their lives from their fourteen birthdays to death. Even the lesbians, which was a real drag. But then again, homosexuality wasn't even thought of being acceptable until the 1960's. Did Eric have lesbian descendants in the post-60's era? Oh, yes, and they had a hard time dealing witht heir need for a man and their lust for women. But Ginny is not one of them, so they don't concern us.

Now you want to know a lttle about the Horspuds themselves. It's time to show you what they are like.

Three Horspuds sat on one of Ginny's follicles. To them, her hair was like the sea. The hair ran in waves…but they were able to sit on it, because their behinds were like boats.

Horspuds come in a variety of colors. But they don't appear to be the same color as the hair of the person they live on. So none of Ginny's Horspuds were red. They were blue, yellow, green, white with black spots, and tangerine with gray stripes, but never crimson.

But you could only see them through the microscope, and chances were you would not be putting Ginny's hair under a microscope. It might be fun to put it in your mouth, but then she'd have to freely give it.

In physical appearance, the Horspuds are not appealing. They have long noses…which go past their bellies. They all have four arms, and their feet are webbed. They are bipeds. Their eyes are protuberant, and they have no hair. Well, duh, they live in it.

So, the three Horspuds we were zeroring in on a minute aog, let's lissen to their conversation:

"_I think she'll have a panic attack soon," said a periwinkle-colored Horspud._

"_She's only crying now," said a velvet-colored one._

"_Acid tears," claimed the third, who was chrome yellow._

_A horn blared. _

"_Oh gosh, we've got to jump! There's a boy in the vicinity!" said Periwinkle._

_The three began jumping on the sea of hair, which floated them along till they were within range of other Horspuds. _

"_Is she in the proper field? Is it a girlfriendless one?" Chrome Yellow asked the new Horspuds they came in contact with._

"_Oh, yes! It's a boy named Candrew!" _

"_Yippee! Stop the flow of tears!" yelled a leader of the Horspuds, who was black with white spots._

Ginny stopped crying. She spotted Candrew. She had always thought he was cute, but now she really wanted him.

"Hey, Candy!" she called out.

Candrew hated being called Candy. "Shut up, you filthy puer-blood."

Ginny turned her back to him. "I was going to ask you to be my boyfriend, but since you don't want anyfing to do with 'filfthy purebloods,' I'll go ask someone else."

"You want me to be your boyfriend? I'd love to!" Candrew exclaimed. He was the only one unaffected by Enoby's charms. (Remember, Enoby was still alive at that time.)

Ginny turned around, wrapped her arms around Candrew's neck, and kissed him passionately on the lips.

A week later, she told him that he had to devise a way to get in the girl's dormitories, a way that could get past the slide the stairs made when boys tried to climb them. But as we know, Candrew failed in this task.


	5. The Hunting of the Catypuss

**My Mortal**

**Chapter de Quartos: The Hunt for the Catypuss**

Hermione became bored of Draco after a week. She wanted her Enoby back, and she couldn't rest without her.n

Harry approached Hermione on the fourth day after she became "down in the dumps." "Look, Hermeione," he told her. "I know that you miss Enoby. I know a way to bring her back."

"You do?" She looked at him with dazzling eyes.

"Of course I do, my sweet. But in order for me to help you, you must pay a price."

"Anything!"

"Well, then, you must let me bite you."

Hermione stared at him. _He Must Not Know I'm Already A Vampire._

"Okay, I'll do it. But Enoby must be brought to life again first."

"Good. Now I'm off to fetch the Catypuss."

"The _what?" _

"The Catypuss. It will help bring Enoby back."

"Where is it?"

"In Firdymoor, a place in Siberia."

"Harry, you can't go there! We have to study for our N.E.W.T.'s!"

"I want to bring Enoby back. You're so unhappy Hermione. Now, it's time for me to Apparate."

"What on Earth are you talking about? You can't Apparate inside Hogwarts…how many times do I have to tell you?"

"Fooshoo, Hermione.. I am Harry Potter. I can do anything."

He Apparated, and the walls of the Hogwarts library and its bookshelves disappeared from view. But when he landed, he realized he forgot something, so he Disapparated.

"Harry, you've only been gone a second! Have you found the Catypuss yet? Did you enter some kind of Narnia time warp?"

"No," Harry said sheepishly. "I forgot my Invisibility Cloak." He hurried off to grab it from his dormitories, running into a disheveled Ron, who was trying to explain that two-timing wasn't really that bad to Lavender and Parvati. Once in the dormitorimes, Harry grabbed his Cloak and attempted to Disapparate.

I said he _attempted _to Disapparate.

I said he ATTEMPTED to Disapparate.

Excuse me for a moment.

_Whispers can be heard._

"_What are you doing?" the fanfic writer asked._

"_I'm attempting to Disapparate," said Harry._

"_No you are not. You are just standing there."_

"_It's not working."_

"_Nonsense. You were able to Disapparate a moment ago. Or was it Apparate? I get the two confused," said the writer._

"_It was Disapparapparate."_

"_Oh, thanks for clearing that up. Well, anyways…what are we going to do?"_

"_I could pretend that the only reason I was able to Disapparapparate the first time is that I was near Hermione, and then I could pretend that Hermiion disappeared, so I have to traverse into Hogsmeade to do it properly."_

"_Let's try it without the pretense. Okay, Harry?"_

"_I guess…but won't the audience get confused if it doesn't work?"_

"_A little audience confusion never hurt anyone. Well, I must be off."_

"_See ya."_

Sorry, we have been experiencing technical difficulties. But everything's fine now.

So as I was saying, Harry attempted to Disapparate, but it failed. He had a hunch that not being near Hermione was the cause of it, so he ran to find her. She wasn't in the library, or the Great Hall, or GASP. She's in an empty classroom! Oh, if this doesn't work, I am so dead.

Harry entered the empty classroom Hermione was in. "Got your Cloak? What'd you come here for?"

"Well, I want to see the depressed Hermione once more before I come back with a way to bring back her Enoby, and then I can compare this Hermione to the happy one."

"Get out of here before I jinx you for going back on your promise."

"Okay, sweetie-pie." Harry Disapparapparated properly this time.

He found himself in a snow forest. Don't lie to me and tell me there are no snow forests in Siberia. I say there are. This is a work of fiction, so there _are _snow forests in Siberia.

Harry put on his Invisibility Cloak and started walking. He heard noises and smelled smoke, which he took to mean a fire was nearby. Stearing clear of this area, he moved on.

About four hours later, Harry heard crunching noises. It sounded like people stepping on twigs, but he couldn't be sure. Then someone spoke, right behind him.

"I can see you, Four-Eyes," snarled the person or creature.

Harry turned around. A giant caterpillar thing was looking straight at him. "What'cha doing in these parts?"

"How can you see me?"

"X-Ray Vision. Now answer my question."

"I'm searching for the Catypuss."

"You an Elmer Fudd?"

"Sorry…who?"

"Fudd comma Elmer. Carries rifle. Hunts Bugs Bunny."

"I always thought his name was Doc."

"Well, you thought wrong, stupid!" The caterpillar gave out an excruciating guffaw, that pained Harry's ears.

"Look, if you're not going to help…" Harry said, when the giant caterpillar quieted down a bit. Harry turned to leave.

"Hey, where you going, sonny?" The caterpillar hopped in front of him to block his pathway.

"I'm going to find the Catypuss."

"But you've already found him!"

"You must be mistaken."

"No, I must not. I _am _the Catypuss."

Harry's mouth dropped open. "But I always thought the Catypuss was…you know…a cat."

"A cat? I ain't no stinkin' cat!" But as he said these words, the Catypuss started to shrink. His long, slender body became a back with four legs on the underside, and a tail sprouted. His face became more angular and whiskers came out of it. The green coloring of his skin changed to orange. And now he was the size any ordinary feline on London streets.

"Ah, but you _are _a cat."

"Okay, Smarty-Pants. What's you here for?"

It was strange to be talking to the a creature that you were looking down upon, when a second ago he dwarved you. "I'm here to ask you to help me bring someone back from the dead."

"Can't be done."

"Er…why not?" Harry's tone sounded threatening.

"I can't bring Muggles back from the dead."

"This person wasn't a Muggle."

"Okay, then. What was she?"

"A witch vampire."

The Catypuss stared at him. "You're joking, right?"

"No."

"But…vampires can't die!"

"She was a mortal vampire. She said so herself."

"A _mortal _vampire? Now I've seen everything."

""Heard."

"Excuse me?"

"Now you've _heard _everything. You haven't seen Ebony yet."

"Ebony? This wasn't, by any chance, Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way?"

Harry nodded.

"I know her! If I were human, I would have seeked her out. But you don't need to hear the fantasies of a dirty old man. Yes, I can help you revive her. All you have to is offer somebody up for dead."

Harry expected something like this was coming. Still he said, "But you admired Ebony! Surely you can bring her back for free?"

"Tai knawn doe."

"Huh?"

"It means that the magic is not in the wishing. Yes, I'd love to bring Ebony back for free. But I can't. Dead has to have someone."

"'Dead'? You used that word strangely."

"You're just misunderstanding, Four-Eyes. Dead is the one who makes my magic possible. If it weren't for Dead, I wouldn't be able to make pacts that could exchange a living soul for one that has passed on."

"What is Dead? What does he look like?"

The Catypuss hissed. "Dead isn't a He! It's a she! And as to what she looks like, none of your business. Now, are you offering up your own life for Ebony's?"

"No, actually, I'm offering Romulus Loopin's."

"Ah, interesting. Friend of Serious Whack and James Potter? Dead will love him. Call him, if you will." A short pause. "And use these words: Person's Name, Grimble, Drimble, Boop, Vortanagoloop. Got it?"

"Repeat please."

The Ccatypuss did so, while including insults at Harry for not being able to memorize it the first time.

"Okay, I'm ready," Harry said finally. "Are you?"

"Yes, say it!" There was a malicious gleam in the Catypuss' eye.

"Romulus Loopin, Grimble, Drimble, Boop, Vortanagoloop."

Instantly a man with a wolfish face appeared. He could not see Harry, who was still under his Invisibility Cloak. But he could see the Catypuss.

"That's odd," Loopin remarked. "I was on a date with Minerva, and suddenly I'm here in a snowy forest? That doesn't happen every day."

"You're right, it doesn't," the Catypuss said.

"Ahh!" Loopin screamed. He tried to move, but he was frozen solid, except for his mouth, his ears, and his eyes. "What the hell is going on?"

"You're paralyzed. I'm about to trade you for Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way."

"Didn't she die?"

"Exactly. I am the Catypuss."

"Noooo!" Loopin screamed. But no one heard him.

The cat launched itself on Loopin's back and whistled a high whistle. A second later, a disembodied voice was heard.

"Catypussss, I hear your cry. What issss it?"

"I want Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way to return to life."

"And vot vill you give me, in return?"

"The life of Romulus John Loopin."

"I accept. Doessss the bargained know who the bargainer is?"

"He doesn't."

"Make ssssure he doessss. You know that without assssurance, no exchange can be made."

"Okay, Mr. Potter. Make yourself known," said the Catypuss.

Harry tore off his Invisibility Cloak.

"Harry! Get me out of here!" Loopin yelled.

But Harry was glaring at him.

"What is this, Harry?" Loopin asked, frightened. "Did _you _offer me up in exchange for Ebony?"

"I did."

"But…_why?"_

"She's more valuable than you. Look how hot she is. You even took naked pictures of her, along with Snape."

"Severus and I were experimenting!"

"Save it for your inmates in the afterlife."

"Harry, there must be more reason than that."

For a second, Harry said nothing. But then, "There is. If I bring Ebony back, Hermione will let me make her a vampire."

Loopin saw Harry was serious. "But she's already a vampire."

"What?" Harry was aghast.

"Ebony bit her. She turned Hermione into a vampire. And so you're giving my life up for a girl who already did the very thing you want to do."

"No, I didn't mean…I changed my mind!" Harry shouted at the Catypuss.

"Too late."

Loopin gave one last pitiful look at Harry before drawing his last breath, as the cat's claws dug deep into his back…

Three minutes later, a ghost of Ebony appeared. She smiled at Harry, then moved on. But it wasn't a ghost…not if the sacrifice had gone well. It was a soul returning to her body. Harry had to hurry home and burn the body before the soul could reach it…

He Disapparapparated again. But this time he was in Hogsmeade, and he forgot where Ebony's body was buried…

He hurried to the castle to ask Hermione. However, when he reached the library, he found her kissing Enoby passionately. He had missed his chance.


End file.
